So a few posts ago I blogged about my anxiety and I wanted to blog about it again. Do any of you feel that writing can help deal with what you are going through? I think there’s something really helpful about writing how you’re feeling. In this post I’d like to talk about the main things that make me feel really anxious.
- Parties: My social anxiety kicks in when I’m at parties. Some days I can control it, some days I can’t. Crowds of people, loud noises, talking to people and music and alcohol make me anxious. There’s just so much going on in one place. I’ve had panic attacks at parties but I’m still trying. I hate letting friends down but sometimes I have to give nights out a miss if it’s better for my mental health in the long run. Having said that I went to a party last month that went really well for me anxiety wise. I even danced a bit. We all have our good and bad days and some days my social anxiety is just way worse than others.
- Meeting new people: First impressions count, right? Well that’s what people say, isn’t it? I’m always terrified of making the wrong first impression. All these questions come into my head. Will they like me? Will I make a fool of myself? It’s as if I don’t want to jeopardise any sort of relationship I could have with them. When I’m not meeting anyone and I am thinking rationally about the idea of meeting new people I know that there’s nothing to be afraid of but when the anxious part of my brain sets in all sort of negative thoughts swarm around me.
- Meeting people I know: Meeting people I know can also be a problem for me for similar reasons. I get anxious that I’ll mess up; say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing or laugh too much. There’s one or two people I’m really comfortable with that I’m less anxious around but otherwise my mind races easily.
- Exams: Exams were the point when I became aware of my anxiety and how bad it was getting. With the help of school counselling I became gradually became more equipped to deal with my anxiety surrounding exams but I still can struggle. I hate being in a room with so many people taking an exam, I feel trapped and intimidated, but exams have to be done and I have and will get through them. I think part of my problem was and probably partially still is, is viewing my grades as a percentage of my worth and defining my worth.
- Death: Death has terrified me ever since I was a child. I’ve had countless nightmares and strange dreams about it including my own death and the death of random people and loved ones. It’s one of the subjects of many negative thoughts that can drift through my mind during the day and particularly when I’m trying to sleep. I think I’m just afraid of how and when I and others I know and appreciate will die.
- Conflict: I’ve always hated conflict and in latter years I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve always been so scared of it because I was afraid of getting hurt, afraid of anyone else getting hurt and utterly terrified of losing someone I love. Any argument with parents or friends or even conflict on a tv show would get me on edge. After a horrible argument with a friend years ago I got extremely anxious and had many panic attacks over I realised how much conflict frightened me. I also hate when people get angry at me or raise their voice or shout, it makes me so anxious.
- Change: Change has made me anxious as it takes me a while to get used to the transition from situation to the other. I get used to things staying the same and the mere thought of what change will bring instantly make me anxious.
- Hospitals (or anything medical): immediately makes my anxiety levels rise. When I tore ligaments in my ankle and had to sit in A and E for six hours I was extremely anxious. I was terrified of what would happen to me. I really didn’t want to have an operation, I always have this fear that I wouldn’t wake up after it and that I would die some horrible death without getting a chance to say goodbye to my family or friends. I also can’t stand going to the dentist or doctors as I get myself into such an anxious not that I either throw up or become close to fainting.
- Flying: I’ve only been on a plane once and I had many panic attacks coming up to it and on the plane. I get so anxious when the plane takes off and lands as well as throughout the journey itself. I suppose my main fear is about the plane crashing.
- Being anxious: I get so anxious about being anxious. I hate being anxious and I try so hard not to be especially in public and with people I know. The thought of getting anxious makes me so anxious and I can have panic attacks because of it and it makes me feel so bad about myself. I’ve become slightly better at this by trying to accept myself and believe that I can get better. Self Belief is key,
Thanks so much for reading my post, I appreciate it. I do realise it was quite a long one but it was very honest and emotional so I wanted to release my feelings here on my blog. I am okay, I’m just on a long journey to getting better. I’m starting counselling soon as now that I’ve left school I can’t avail of the counselling there. I just want you to know that if you are feeling in a similar situation or suffering from any sort of mental illness you are never ever alone, I mean that.
PS: I chose this featured picture because it’s of the sun setting on a dark night showing that despite our dark times there is always hope and we should never give up.