Something was said to me a few days ago that really resonated with me and prompted me to write this post. I had originally planned to write a post on destressing tips as this had got the highest votes out of all the posts I featured in my twitter poll. Thanks to everyone who voted by the way! That post will be up next weekend. There’s been a lot on my mind over the past few days and I really needed to get it out on paper and share it with you, my fabulous readers and hopefully it may even help some of you who are going through something similar.
This blog is called girlmasked as I wanted to remain anonomys on the internet but it got me thinking. I am technically hiding behind a mask in my own life and I have been for quite some time. I don’t want to live like this. I am sick and I am tired of hiding behind the mask I have created for myself in an attempt to protect myslef and others from myslef and the reality of my life and what I am feeling.
A lot of the time it is so easy to sit back and nod, fake a smile and a laugh and pretend everything is absolutely fine. We all do it once and a while when we want to hide our emotions maybe if we’re at work, etc and then we release them to our loved ones later. But things can get out of hand when we keep things for ourselves for too long.
Sometimes we think we can handle things by ourselves and sometimes we’re right. But most of the time worries pile up and it can get too much for us. I know all too well how this feels. For far too many times I have sat in counselling appointments, with friends, people I know,etc who have made time to listen to me and have refused to open up because I’ve been far too afraid to say how I am feeling out loud.
It’s absolutely exhausting nodding and saying everything is perfectly fine, anyone else who does this will know how accustomed you become to doing it and almost become used to it. It becomes second nature at hiding how you truly feel and yearn to be like everyone else who apparently has their lives together and can express exactly how they feel in a few simple sentences. On a side note, not everyone has their lives together, in fact very few people do, everyone is in the same boat, on a similar journey.
The silence becomes a comfort zone, something I personally have become used to living in. I’ll divert the conversation to anything so I don’t have to talk about myself. Sometimes it’s the fear of the other person’s reaction or fear that how you feel or what is worrying you will seem unimportant and totally pointless to be worrying about in the first place. Well, that’s how it can feel to me sometimes.
I always end up beating myself up further for not saying anything when I had planned to. I let my anxiety control me. But I’m determined to not let it get the better of me. Their obviously won’t be an overnight transformation. That’s not who I am. it’ll take a while for me to change. But with a lot of hard work and trying I know I can get there.
Do any of you feel the same way too?
Do you find it hard to express how you feel?
It’s far too easy to lie and say everything’s fine or bottle up your feelings in fear. But trust me it’s never worth it because in the end things can get too much and you eventually need to confide in someone. So if you’re in the same boat, please, talk to someone, a counsellor, a sibling, a parent or a trusted friend.
Wishing you all the happiness in the world,